I love sleep.

But falling asleep with anxiety is one of the hardest things I’ve done. So much so that I don’t actually look forward to falling asleep, just sleep.

I read a post from The Mighty today, which is what prompted this post. It was from a contributor talking about their bedtime routine with anxiety.

And man, I could have written it, it was that close to my experience. Even down to the jealousy I feel for my husband who can fall asleep in seconds.

At times, it can take me up to 3 hours to fall asleep. Most times, it’s almost an hour before I finally fall asleep.

I used to make up scenarios in my head to fall asleep. Normally it would have been like winning the lottery or something. But when my anxiety got worse, I couldn’t just think about winning the lottery. I’d start worrying about what I would do with it, who I would share it with etc.

Unfortunately, those thoughts lead to more negative thoughts. Such as: that is never going to happen, that’s not right now, I still owe money, I still need help financially, I still need to find a job, but what if I can’t figure out what I want to do, I don’t want to be unhappy in my job, am I asking too much, can’t share any of that lottery with my parents, still hurts to have the non existent relationships with them, but also I don’t need them, they messed things up, they are the reason why I struggle everyday, and so on and so forth.

As all of that is happening internally, externally I’m uncomfortable, hot, cold, itchy, bathroom break, gotta roll over a bunch of times, stop the cats from scratching, and some more of being generally uncomfortable.

And then, I wake up in the morning no matter how long I slept and it feels like I slept nothing. But that also likely has something to do with the eating disorder I have.

Who knows what disorder, but I’ve been dealing with texture issues for years. And it has slowly gotten worse. It’s a pretty complex issue, because a lot of the reasoning for past issues were due to lack of money/food and my need to put everyone else before me. If I thought my daughter or husband liked or would eat a certain food, I wouldn’t eat it because it should be left for them, and I can find something else. And now, I have almost no appetite. And if I do, it’s for a bunch of crap. Fast food, processed stuff, all the stuff I shouldn’t eat on a semi regular basis. And yes before you ask, I will be making a doctors appt soon.

My mind is just a really hard place to be right now, with all of this new knowledge about my mental health, and just life in general. Some days are good. Some days I have a lot of energy and can keep myself distracted throughout the day. But there are some days where just nothing peaks my interests. I bounce between hobbies, and interests but on these days nothing sticks. I lose interest in mere minutes. So, some times I just sit. And unfortunately, that gives my mind the time and energy to think. About all things. Where I’m failing, what’s failing around me, what I personally feel I’m failing, what I perceive people are thinking about when they look or talk to me, all my wants and hopes, all the shitty memories, some good memories, just anything and everything. I mean, that’s basically my mind all the time.

I thought of a great analogy to describe what my mind looks like if I had to take a picture of it.

So think of white noise like a tv makes, or used to make. Now imagine that noise, as someone talking really fast, but slow enough for you to understand each and every word. That’s basically what my mind is like all the time. It’s constantly on the go, even when I want it to stop.

All I can do right at this moment is take all of this one day at a time, and hopefully figure some things out along the way.

I hope you enjoyed this post, share, like or leave a comment with your experience on falling asleep, anxiety or just any struggle.


Rough couple of weeks

Hi guys,

The last couple of weeks have been alittle rough. My anxiety medication isn’t working as much as it was. So I’m incredibly anxious. I feel my anxiety in my gut mostly. I also become shaky, and my body temperature is up and down. The last two times I have experienced these symptoms on a more severe level, I tried to 5,4,3,2,1 coping technique. Which is where I find 5 things that I can see, 4 things I can touch, 3 things I can hear, 2 things I can smell, and 1 thing I can taste. It’s to also help me stay in the present, instead of going through all of the “what if’s” of situations that have already happened.

Like recently, I had an incident where in the span of 10 minutes, I was almost hit by two cars. The first time, someone was turning while I was walking across the street. But they were going slow enough to stop before they hit me. But none the less, he was driving directly at me. So the second incident, the light had just changed, so the walk signal had just came on. Because of that last incident, and my already present anxiety, I paused to make sure that all the cars that had to come to a stop, were actually going to stop. I then notice a car not slowing down. He went right through the red light, almost hitting a pizza delivery car and all the way through the intersection before I even saw brake lights. If I hadn’t paused to check to see if people were stopping, he would have hit me and would have killed me.

As I was walking away, I broke down. I was terrified and just wanted to get home. And then my brain doing its lovely job, started replaying the second incident saying ” what if you hadn’t paused?” And with that playing in my head, I cried and walked home as fast as I could.

You see, one thing I wish ( oh so desperately wished) is to not have to go through the “what if’s”. The what if’s scare me probably the most. And I’ve seen and heard a lot of “almost” accidents or just bad things happening that I know what could happen. Even though this thought process isn’t super helpful at this point, it does allow me to see the other side of things.

There was also about a week where I felt entirely gloomy and just dull. And anxious.

I can’t keep an interest or a hobby around very long because I lose interest. Stuff just gets constantly boring. And then I try to get myself up and busy but I’m always coming back to lack of interest.

I’ve been worrying about my food intake for about a year and a half now. I’m sure I’m lacking a certain nutrient at this point. Every time I stand up I get dizzy, light headed, and my vision goes blurry for up to 2 mins. My fingernails are pretty brittle at this point. I’m totally aware of what’s going on. But I’m going to be making a doctors appt to get some help. Because I can only do so much.

I had a chance for a volunteering position, but I had to decline. I just can’t deal with all of the new stuff that will come with volunteering, with all of my mental symptoms going on. They are the worst they have ever been. I still push through my everyday life, but sometimes it all becomes too much and all I want to do is sleep for a while.

Well, there’s an interesting post for y’all.

Share your experiences with anxiety or any mental disorder for that matter. I think we all suffer too much in silence.

Inner critical voice…

I have always been critical of myself, especially my parenting skills.

If I had to guess, it comes down to two reasons.

First, I didn’t have a very good role model for what a parent should be like. After my parents divorced when I was 4, my life became about the hatred that both of my parents had for each other. That divorce is likely where things took a turn.

Second, my mom is super critical. No matter what you say to her, she will always follow it up with ” Yes, but…..”

Today, my best friend shared a video that really hit home for me. It was all about how critical we are on ourselves and how we would never say what we say to ourselves to our friends, family, or anyone.

I really beat myself up about my mothering skills. It all lumps in with my unstable sense of identity. Along with my moms critical voice in my head, I also have my own voice saying things like ” You aren’t good enough to be a mom”.

But this video really hit home because one of the things that my daughter is wanting to be when she grows up is a mom. So would I say the kind of stuff I say to myself about my parenting to her, if she came to me feeling the same way? No of course not, so why should I even think of saying these things to myself.

No one deserves to be that critical on themselves. I am learning to accept who I am, and work on becoming a healthier person.

My new favourite website!

I recently found some pages on Facebook that I had to follow. They are about mental health, and I have found many posts that are extremely relatable. They also have a website as well. “The Mighty” is a place where you can read personal experiences from others who have mental disorders like anxiety and depression. Check out their website!

What’s going on in my mind right now?

A therapist told me I should start journaling. I already kind of do this but not on a huge scale.

So maybe this’ll be my journal entry today.

What’s been on my mind lately is all about the “connection” we have with other people. How do I know there’s a real connection there?

Sometimes I worry that I’m not really connecting with people, and instead I’m just going through the motions of what I think is suppose to happen.

I never really felt like I had that sort of connection with my family. There will always be a connection, but not this kind. It feels “superficial” to me, my relationship and connection with my parents. Almost like it’s not real. And I am not sure what to do with that information.

I know my issue with connection is from that and many other things. I just don’t know what to do with any of that. How can I try to achieve that deep connection with people if I have never actually experienced it?

It goes in the same category as my huge identity issue as well. I can’t figure out who “I” am. I have always been just going along with everyone else, I never had the chance to grow that independent side of me. So much so that I have a hard time figuring out my likes and dislikes, what I value and believe in.

I’ve had to take care of things most of my life. Whether that be housework as a child, or taking care of the bills for my father as a teenager, or having a child at a young age. All of those things I have had to be responsible for. And now as an adult, all I ever have are responsibilities. But I’ve taken care of so many things starting at a young age that I think at this point, I just want like a week where I don’t have to be responsible for anything. I’m tired…… it’s tiring keeping all of these thoughts and responsibilities in my head and making sure I do them. Now, for anyone reading this who just said “welcome to adulthood” that isn’t what I’m looking for. I know adulthood is pretty much this. But remember that part of your childhood or teenage years where all you had to worry about was doing the dishes once a week? I didn’t get much of that. As a teenager, I was taking care of an entire house, plus bills, with little money, all the while living with my dad who wasn’t helping much with any of that. And then on top of that, I had a baby when I was 18. Young girl dealing with a lot of adult problems.

I’ve been responsible for my brother or my brothers action/non-action many times before. I’ve gotten the brunt of my dads annoyance when my brother doesn’t do what he is asked to do ( and why would he at this point? He knows no one will actually make him do anything, and I will just come and clean everything anyways) You see, when my brother and I were very young I think he learned subconsciously that if he doesn’t do the chores he is asked to do, I (with the huge encouragement from my mom) would be there to get it done for him.

Nobody made me stop and nobody told him to do it or they didn’t try hard enough. I’m sure it was cute, but it set us both up for failure. I have lived with that problem for so many years. Every time I lived with my brother, I was always either cleaning up after him or hearing dad bitch about him.

Am I good enough?

The answer should always be yes!

However, some parents don’t foster that in their children. Mine included. Both of my parents had entirely different pictures of who they wanted me to be. Neither of which I am.

They never accepted me for who I actually am. To the point, that I’m not even sure who “I” am. That’s why my sense of identity is so unbalanced. How can I be okay with who I am if my own parents aren’t okay with you I am? How can I be acceptable to myself if I was never acceptable to my parents.

I think my mom has always assumed that I’m going to be just like her. Work my ass into the ground, divorced with two children, single parent, no true happiness.

I think my dad always assumed that he would finally have someone to take care of him.

I can’t and won’t be what my parents expected me to be. Because I am me. I’m not sure who that is yet, but I know that I am a individual with my own thoughts,feelings,values, and beliefs.

I am good enough for me. Whatever that standard may be, I am good enough.


This weekend is Thanksgiving, which means family get togethers, food, and conversation. 

Now since it’s thanksgiving, I’d like to write a post about the one thing that I am extremely thankful for.


What constitutes as family you might ask? Well I can tell you one thing, blood isn’t the only way one can become family.

Family to me means people who will support you when you need it the most. People who will be that shoulder to lean on when you need one. It’s the people you can call or text when you just don’t know what to do anymore. 

I’ve lost both relationships with my parents because as I grow and learn about self acceptance, they won’t. They won’t learn, or grow, hell they’d have to acknowledge the problems first. And they won’t. 

The people who are in my life now are the people who accept me for whatever or whoever I choose to be. All they want to see is me happy. 

And that I’m super thankful for. For having family that aren’t blood making up for what is lacking in my blood family. Without you guys, I don’t think I could have made it this far. I’ve had some rough times in my life, more recently and more serious than before. And what matters to me are the people who are currently around me and my life because they care and love me. 

And that’s what family means to me.