What I’m reading….

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What’s going on in my mind right now?

A therapist told me I should start journaling. I already kind of do this but not on a huge scale.

So maybe this’ll be my journal entry today.

What’s been on my mind lately is all about the “connection” we have with other people. How do I know there’s a real connection there?

Sometimes I worry that I’m not really connecting with people, and instead I’m just going through the motions of what I think is suppose to happen.

I never really felt like I had that sort of connection with my family. There will always be a connection, but not this kind. It feels “superficial” to me, my relationship and connection with my parents. Almost like it’s not real. And I am not sure what to do with that information.

I know my issue with connection is from that and many other things. I just don’t know what to do with any of that. How can I try to achieve that deep connection with people if I have never actually experienced it?

It goes in the same category as my huge identity issue as well. I can’t figure out who “I” am. I have always been just going along with everyone else, I never had the chance to grow that independent side of me. So much so that I have a hard time figuring out my likes and dislikes, what I value and believe in.

I’ve had to take care of things most of my life. Whether that be housework as a child, or taking care of the bills for my father as a teenager, or having a child at a young age. All of those things I have had to be responsible for. And now as an adult, all I ever have are responsibilities. But I’ve taken care of so many things starting at a young age that I think at this point, I just want like a week where I don’t have to be responsible for anything. I’m tired…… it’s tiring keeping all of these thoughts and responsibilities in my head and making sure I do them. Now, for anyone reading this who just said “welcome to adulthood” that isn’t what I’m looking for. I know adulthood is pretty much this. But remember that part of your childhood or teenage years where all you had to worry about was doing the dishes once a week? I didn’t get much of that. As a teenager, I was taking care of an entire house, plus bills, with little money, all the while living with my dad who wasn’t helping much with any of that. And then on top of that, I had a baby when I was 18. Young girl dealing with a lot of adult problems.

I’ve been responsible for my brother or my brothers action/non-action many times before. I’ve gotten the brunt of my dads annoyance when my brother doesn’t do what he is asked to do ( and why would he at this point? He knows no one will actually make him do anything, and I will just come and clean everything anyways) You see, when my brother and I were very young I think he learned subconsciously that if he doesn’t do the chores he is asked to do, I (with the huge encouragement from my mom) would be there to get it done for him.

Nobody made me stop and nobody told him to do it or they didn’t try hard enough. I’m sure it was cute, but it set us both up for failure. I have lived with that problem for so many years. Every time I lived with my brother, I was always either cleaning up after him or hearing dad bitch about him.