Update/Life Story :)

Hi everyone, I hope everyone’s week went well.

My week didn’t start off great. I had a relationship ending (little did I know) fight with my mom. Essentially over my (she thought) lack of empathy towards a victim in the news. I was playing devils advocate and empathizing with a victim of police brutality. I at the time didn’t show empathy towards the deceased mainly because I was only talking about the victim of the police brutality. I tried to explain my point and she got mad. And pretty much left the conversation there. But she legitimately got mad at me. And she acted like I personally attacked her. Like I sat there and said how much of a piece of crap she is. I was trying to understand her point of view, and she got defensive and that’s when she always shuts down. 

I finally got the guts to tell my mom how I have been truly feeling as if lately. You see, my mom is one of the most critical people I have ever met. Relevant and irrelevant things she’ll be critical about. Almost like she was looking for an argument in every conversation. She is so critical that I only knew how to be critical on myself. So I wrote this long note, telling her everything. From how I was truly not doing this to be malicious but up until this point I hadn’t been totally upfront with my feelings to how I feel I can’t tell her how I truly feel because she’s told me frequently how she feels about mental health. And as soon as she read it, she went on the defensive. She took bits of pieces of what I had said and criticized it. She never once owned up to the mistakes she made. I even went as far as to tell her that I was struggling so hard. But she just shut down and started to defend and insult me. 

My parents divorced when I was 4, and from there my mom practically raised me and my brother by herself. I raise my hat to that because I know from experience what a single mother has to go through. Especially with an ex spouse who wouldn’t put the effort in for his kids. I was recently told by my mom that as a young child, I would frequently help around the house. But my brother wouldn’t. Which means I constantly picked up after him because he wasn’t going to do it. I realize now that of course he isn’t going to do it, he has his sister doing it all and his mom encouraging his sister to continue that behaviour. She enabled him at a very young age. And we all wonder why he is they way he is now. I was their “example” child. I was constantly put in situations where I would excel just to have the reasoning behind it, thrown in my brothers face. In ways I way extremely bad for my brother, because I was the favourite child. I was the one that my dad went to first when he came home. I got all of the attention. I’m not bragging, trust me. Nobody wants that much attention. But my dad was in and out, here and there throughout my childhood. He frequently didn’t show up for his scheduled weekends. But when he did show up, he would take his children to unfit peoples houses, and we played amongst cockroaches and pee stains on the floor. Or in the early years my dad would drop us off at his psychotic moms house. He was always the part time “fun” parent. If we were staying at his house for the weekend, we always got junk food and stayed up super late. My mom had the unfortunate part of parenting the other like 28 days of the month. 

 I lived with her up until I was probably 13 and then I lived with my dad. My dad was a pretty hands off parent. He was more of a friend than a parent. But he failed me because he couldn’t/wouldn’t put the effort in that it takes to raise a child let alone a teenager. He worked as a cab driver, so he worked long and late hours. Which let the teenage me have a lot more freedom than I should have. If I would have stayed with my mom, my teenage years wouldn’t have been so filled with freedom. But my mom couldn’t handle me anymore and let me move in with my dad. Who by the way made it seem like it was going to be the greatest thing since slice cheese to live with him. But little did I know that the freedom I received as a teenager was in exchange for a “housewife” role at home. I ended up becoming the person taking care of the house. Even though my dad was bringing home most of the money and was the adult, I was taking care of the house. I made sure the house was clean, dinner was cooked, the works. Some of that time my brother spent living with us, and like in childhood, my father didn’t parent my brother and I was made to clean up after him too because he wouldn’t do it and my dad would get mad because it wasn’t done. But he’d get mad at me because I was there. It took a long and difficult time but I finally managed to acknowledge the codependent relationship my father and I had, and that’s when I moved out on my own. That was the second time I made a decision for myself ( the first being going to college). And wow the freedom I experienced living on my own. 

My mom takes no responsibility for how I turned out. Even though she raised me pretty much single handedly for 12 years she blames either me or my dad. All of the negative things are because of me or my dad. She takes no responsibility for how I turned out. And for years I’ve heard the bullshit and anger that they have for each other because they never let me forget just how much they hated the other parent. My dad always telling me my mom is brainwashing me, my mom telling me my dad is going to turn me into a good for nothing person. One of the last things my mom said to me was I was definitely my fathers daughter. Which I know means “ you are just as useless as your father”

I also have realized that even now as a 25 year old woman, my parents do not and have not supported my mental health. Neither me or my brother has had our mental health taken care of. My mom thinks you should be able to just get over it, and you should just be stronger than said issue. My dad, on the other hand deflects, and turns everything serious into a joke. My brother will take your biggest weakness and shove it in your face while you are down. And these are the reasons why they are blocked on my facebook.

The mom issues happened at the beginning of the week, but the other two happened last year. These people just randomly explode at me, and get super personal for no reason. And all three of those people will use your biggest weakness against when you are at your weakest. 

My mom and I came to an agreement a few months ago about me and my family “buying” her house in five years. It was an amazing offer and just so incredible.  But during this fight, she took the offer back, and told me she was going to sell the house and give $5000 to my brother because that’s how much she’s spent on me this past year. Now, most of that $5000 she spent on me and my little family was in the form of gifts and offers. Don’t get me wrong, I always appreciated the gestures and always made sure to tell my mom how grateful I was for her and my grandma and the help. But if I ever asked to borrow money, I always paid it back ( even though paying it back I was caught in the same loop of borrowing $20 and paying it back just to borrow it again). She was basically helping us get through each month. But I tried my best to think of her feelings when I did or said anything to her. She did do a lot for me and that I will be forever grateful for. But as it looks to me, these nice offerings came with a price. They weren’t just gifts because she want to see her daughter joyful, they were made just to be thrown back at me later on. So she could have something over me. Something to use against me when I didn’t agree with her on an issue.

There are a lot of problems in my family. Most of them are unhealthy mentally. Amongst them I’m sure there is a whole bowl of undiagnosed mental disorders that none of them will even acknowledge let alone get help with. And amongst all of that, my mom is incredibly two faced. She will talk the biggest and worst shit about you,she’ll say stuff like “I don’t want anything to do with so and so” but will act like two old friends catching up with that same person. She puts so much of her energy in hating other people but then allows these people to walk all over her. Like what’s the point? Either let it all go, or deal with these people you are having issues with. 

I know now that even though you are blood related, that doesn’t change the fact that if someone doesn’t want to be in your life, they won’t be. They will make that choice for you. Whether it be blocking you on Facebook or leaving a thousand messages. My mom blocked me on Facebook. That was her decision and that made the choice for me. She made the choice to block her daughter all over a matter of different opinions. And that’s fine. She made the choice not to be involved in her daughters life. I will never be able to live up to the high expectation she has for me. And you know what? That’s fine too, because the only expectation I need to live up to is my own. The only person who should be as critical as she was to me is me. And even I shouldn’t be that critical.

I have learned a lot over the last few years. A lot about me, my family, why things are the way that they are etc. I’ve realized that my family issues are a lot more deeper. I realized that my mom is just as broken as my dad. I realized that I can’t trust many people in my family. 

I’ve also realized that I’m a much stronger person and I can handle all of the toxic people that come and go in my life. I can run into all of these problems and problem people and come out the other side bigger and better. Stronger and healthier. 

Because you see my mental health is my #1 priority. And since my parents never thought to consider my mental health, I will do whatever it takes, to see that my mental health is taken care of properly. I have to learn how to pay attention to those thoughts and feelings, the ones that my mom thinks I should be able to just get over. I have to teach myself how to truly love myself, how to truly listen to my heart and my brain. I’m getting to see the things I never got to see, a happy family, loving parents, co parenting. And I’m glad to say that my house is a mental health supportive household.
So tell me, do you have toxic family members you’ve had to say goodbye to? Come on, let’s start talking about these things.

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Little update!

Hi all, sorry I haven’t been posting as much. 

First of all, most of the summer was a drag. Did spend two weeks with my mom and grandma though so that made up for the rest of the summer.

I am on the hunt for a job, so I’m trying to fill my time by looking at job postings online. It’s incredible the amount of people who require a license (which I don’t have). 

I can also say with like 95% certainty that my social anxiety stems from my speech problem as a child. I was born with a partial cleft palate, had surgery to fix it, but needed speech therapy. My mom did the best she could ( which by the way was a lot) for me but as a young kid I knew I was different than everyone else. But by the time I was 6 I was speaking as if there were no past speech problems. But that anxiety has always plagued me.

And that’s why a lot of the interactions I have with other people are so hard. It’s getting better now with age and growth but it’s still hard. It’s still hard communicating to people I’m not already friends with. It’s hard to talk to people I’ve only met a handful of times, hell its still hard to communicate with my moms ex boyfriends. It’s why I’ve got such an issue with eye contact. It seems rude but I sit there quietly, looking away not to be rude or disrespectful but because it’s intimidating to me. That’s the best way I can describe that feeling.

But that’s where I’m going to leave off. Comment or message me if you have experienced social anxiety, or anxiety at all. Let’s start talking 🙂

Failure.

Sometimes I feel like a failure.

Most times I feel like I’m a failure as a mom, so much so that I wonder sometimes why she even smiles and likes me because I don’t see myself as a good mom.

Sometimes I feel like a failure as a wife. Sometimes there just isn’t any winning. 

I just feel like I fail in every aspect of my life, and sometimes it all is just too much.

Whatever you are feeling….

Whatever you are feeling know it’s okay to feel that way.

No matter what people say, your feelings are your own. Nobody can feel them quite like you do.

Sometimes people don’t understand these feelings. But, what matters is that we understand these feelings and learn how to deal with them. 

Holy crap guys! The morning I had…

Literally, I just want to restate the title, holy crap guys, the fricking morning I had…. was full with anxiety, and feelings of scared, worried,irritation the works.

I’m a lot better now, but my anxiety made my morning so much worse than it had to be. My chest hurt, I was nauseous right from 7 this morning to like 1130. I had to attend a legal thing that I had never been part of before. So I was terrified because I had no idea what to do, what to say, where to go. 

Terrified that the other party would tear me to shreads, which thankfully he didn’t. He turned about to be a nice and understanding guy.

It did work out in the end, and I am satisfied with the outcome. I am stronger from that, but this anxiety is really intense.

Anxiety Inducing situations.

I’ve got a big one coming up tomorrow, and am absolutely terrified.

I am constantly put in situations that even though they help me grow, they produce so much anxiety prior to the event. I feel pressure on my chest, and a feeling of dread was over me.

I’m prepared to do the best that I can, and hopefully be prepared enough to get my point across.

I’ve researched, gotten all of my papers together, but I’m still scared because this is a completely new experience for me, and one that has legal ramifications on top of that.

I hope I can do this.

 

Social Anxiety

What is Social Anxiety? “Social anxiety is the fear of social situations that involve interaction with other people. 

I have been experiencing social anxiety all my life, without really knowing it. I always thought I was just socially awkward and shy.

Every single interaction with someone has been a struggle for me. I have always been afraid of being judged negatively. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve got plenty of reasons to worry about that. 

My brother was never the compassionate or empathetic one. He was always the spiteful and hurtful one. If he knew your weakness, he would use it against you when he was mad. In the most vile ways. He has always insulted my appearance, my capabilities to hold down a job, my parenting ability. He’s also called me every name in the book, so my skin is pretty thick. 

My dad, on the other hand was more of a joker. More surface than he was deep. He was certainly deep, I figured out a while ago, but he definitely wouldn’t outwardly express it. Everything was a joke to him. I guess that made it easier for him to deal with. So any reaction I got was either super critical or a joke. 

I’ve also had to deal with a lot of bullying in my school years. So yeah, social interactions have always been a sore spot.

But surprisingly enough, I’m super outgoing and loud. Social anxiety has given me a lot of restrictions for a lot of years and I wasn’t even aware of it.