Progress

Today marks the 10th day I’ve jogged in a row. 

Everyday I’m feeling better about myself. Everyday I’m experiencing new positive feelings in regards to my whole “self”. 

I’ve never in my life, liked my body. I’ve always had issues with how I saw myself. I could never understand what people were seeing when they called me beautiful. I have a father who would repeatedly when I was a teenager tell me about how these woman we see on the street are “beautiful” with their big boobs and long hair. I noticed pretty early on, that these women ( of all ages) were all slim or just overall tiny people. I spent a lot of my teenage years comparing myself to these women, and feeling really crappy about myself.

Never once did he pick out an average or overweight person and fawn over them. I was already having self esteem issues, so hearing that day in and day out was hard. I didn’t know it back then, but I certainly understand it now. 

But for once in my life, I actually smile when I look in the mirror, my negative self talk has turned into empowering positive self talk. I actually enjoy looking at myself in the mirror after many years of shying away from it.

I’m so happy and proud of myself for overcoming these problems, to finally see that beautiful woman that people have told me existed but I couldn’t see her.

Update

I haven’t posted in a while, honestly because there hasn’t been a whole lot going on. 

I’ve reconnected with my best friend, and I feel really good about it.  I was able to be honest and upfront about my feelings. I’m excited to see how that friendship grows from here.

We are seeing my mom and grandma next week and I couldn’t be any more excited for that. Not only do I get to spend some quality time with my mom and grandma, I also get alittle break from this chaos.

Even though we haven’t had much going on, it’s always stressful. But I have figured out ways to deal with everything and to let go of things I can’t control. 

I’ve started jogging. Small jogs but definitely one that will get the pulse going. I’ve done 8 Days so far. I even got the whole family in on today’s jog. 

It’s only up from here. 🙂

Failure.

Sometimes I feel like a failure.

Most times I feel like I’m a failure as a mom, so much so that I wonder sometimes why she even smiles and likes me because I don’t see myself as a good mom.

Sometimes I feel like a failure as a wife. Sometimes there just isn’t any winning. 

I just feel like I fail in every aspect of my life, and sometimes it all is just too much.

PSA!

So we currently have a shared yard. I’m not a huge fan but we got what we got.

So one of my neighbours has decided that our yard is a perfect yard for their dog to be tied up in.

And I’m not ok with that. They don’t even watch the dog, so it goes to the bathroom where ever it wants to. And because they don’t pay attention the dog craps, where my daughter plays.

How are people so inconsiderate. It’s a shared yard!! Where kids play!?!?

I wish people thought about these things.

My thoughts

For years, I have had people in my life who either made fun of my problems, joked about them, minimized them, showed no effort to lend a helping hand, called them “ridiculous”, or blame them on my pms, or was told I was being brainwashed.

It’s really no wonder why I have issues expressing and even believing my own feelings.

After all of these years, and after all of the people who couldn’t get passed their own feelings to see mine, I’ve been managing on my own.

Sometimes it’s hard. Sometimes, I struggle so bad internally that I’m exhausted at the end of the day. Because sometimes there are issues that you can only share with a select few, but even then. Sometimes I regret saying anything at all. Sometimes it’s easier for me to pretend that I’m fine. 

Whatever you are feeling….

Whatever you are feeling know it’s okay to feel that way.

No matter what people say, your feelings are your own. Nobody can feel them quite like you do.

Sometimes people don’t understand these feelings. But, what matters is that we understand these feelings and learn how to deal with them. 

An interesting perspective on immigration.

I will start off by saying, I am all for people starting over, or having to leave their home country due to horrible issues. I’m sorry if I offend anyone.

Recently, I saw an article about how a politician in Poland had said something along the lines of “We didn’t invite refugees, we have a right to say no”.

Now before you lose it, I’ll explain that perspective. There are many things going on in each individual country. Poverty, homelessness, addiction, uneven income/cost of living, war, famine, you name it. 

The idea is to first focus on the problems that are currently going on in the “home” country, and then open arms to refugees. We as a society, can’t handle people upon people because there are so many issues that are currently happening. It’s super unfortunate, I know. 

But why do we want people coming here, just to experience bullshit situations? Why do we want people coming here and then not being able to survive? We can’t help other people if we ourselves are unhealthy and toxic.

And I think if most of these issues were solved or on the decline, we would be more better equipped to welcome refugees in, so they can experience the good things of your culture.