Rough couple of weeks

Hi guys,

The last couple of weeks have been alittle rough. My anxiety medication isn’t working as much as it was. So I’m incredibly anxious. I feel my anxiety in my gut mostly. I also become shaky, and my body temperature is up and down. The last two times I have experienced these symptoms on a more severe level, I tried to 5,4,3,2,1 coping technique. Which is where I find 5 things that I can see, 4 things I can touch, 3 things I can hear, 2 things I can smell, and 1 thing I can taste. It’s to also help me stay in the present, instead of going through all of the “what if’s” of situations that have already happened.

Like recently, I had an incident where in the span of 10 minutes, I was almost hit by two cars. The first time, someone was turning while I was walking across the street. But they were going slow enough to stop before they hit me. But none the less, he was driving directly at me. So the second incident, the light had just changed, so the walk signal had just came on. Because of that last incident, and my already present anxiety, I paused to make sure that all the cars that had to come to a stop, were actually going to stop. I then notice a car not slowing down. He went right through the red light, almost hitting a pizza delivery car and all the way through the intersection before I even saw brake lights. If I hadn’t paused to check to see if people were stopping, he would have hit me and would have killed me.

As I was walking away, I broke down. I was terrified and just wanted to get home. And then my brain doing its lovely job, started replaying the second incident saying ” what if you hadn’t paused?” And with that playing in my head, I cried and walked home as fast as I could.

You see, one thing I wish ( oh so desperately wished) is to not have to go through the “what if’s”. The what if’s scare me probably the most. And I’ve seen and heard a lot of “almost” accidents or just bad things happening that I know what could happen. Even though this thought process isn’t super helpful at this point, it does allow me to see the other side of things.

There was also about a week where I felt entirely gloomy and just dull. And anxious.

I can’t keep an interest or a hobby around very long because I lose interest. Stuff just gets constantly boring. And then I try to get myself up and busy but I’m always coming back to lack of interest.

I’ve been worrying about my food intake for about a year and a half now. I’m sure I’m lacking a certain nutrient at this point. Every time I stand up I get dizzy, light headed, and my vision goes blurry for up to 2 mins. My fingernails are pretty brittle at this point. I’m totally aware of what’s going on. But I’m going to be making a doctors appt to get some help. Because I can only do so much.

I had a chance for a volunteering position, but I had to decline. I just can’t deal with all of the new stuff that will come with volunteering, with all of my mental symptoms going on. They are the worst they have ever been. I still push through my everyday life, but sometimes it all becomes too much and all I want to do is sleep for a while.

Well, there’s an interesting post for y’all.

Share your experiences with anxiety or any mental disorder for that matter. I think we all suffer too much in silence.


Helpful tips for falling asleep, when your mind just won’t stop.

Check this site out! It gives really helpful tips for when you are trying to fall asleep and your mind won’t stop racing.

Little update!

Hi all, sorry I haven’t been posting as much. 

First of all, most of the summer was a drag. Did spend two weeks with my mom and grandma though so that made up for the rest of the summer.

I am on the hunt for a job, so I’m trying to fill my time by looking at job postings online. It’s incredible the amount of people who require a license (which I don’t have). 

I can also say with like 95% certainty that my social anxiety stems from my speech problem as a child. I was born with a partial cleft palate, had surgery to fix it, but needed speech therapy. My mom did the best she could ( which by the way was a lot) for me but as a young kid I knew I was different than everyone else. But by the time I was 6 I was speaking as if there were no past speech problems. But that anxiety has always plagued me.

And that’s why a lot of the interactions I have with other people are so hard. It’s getting better now with age and growth but it’s still hard. It’s still hard communicating to people I’m not already friends with. It’s hard to talk to people I’ve only met a handful of times, hell its still hard to communicate with my moms ex boyfriends. It’s why I’ve got such an issue with eye contact. It seems rude but I sit there quietly, looking away not to be rude or disrespectful but because it’s intimidating to me. That’s the best way I can describe that feeling.

But that’s where I’m going to leave off. Comment or message me if you have experienced social anxiety, or anxiety at all. Let’s start talking 🙂

What is wrong with the world?

A story came out of the States recently, and I’d like to take a few moments and talk about it.

First of all, Rest in Peace Jamel Dunn.

Second of all, if you have not heard, there were 5 teenagers who were hanging out by a pond, when they saw 31 year old Jamel Dunn walking up to the fenced off pond. They watched as this 31 year old disabled man, walk right into the pond. And then they decided to start videotaping. They were seen mocking and laughing at Jamel as he was seen drowning. Then, they heard a scream from the background, laugh and say “he just died”

Jamel was pleading for help, all the while these guys were laughing and having a great ole time.

I can’t even begin with this. I read an article today about how the teenagers didn’t have a “legal duty” to help this man. And what is astounding to me is that, that is even a point of contention. If they had no intention on helping the man, they should have just left. How heartless do you have to be to watch someone die and laugh and joke about it at the same time? I hope the Judge presiding over the case makes an example out of these teenagers. They chose to act like adults and should be send to adult jail. Where in my opinion, they should just stay.