Progress

Today marks the 10th day I’ve jogged in a row. 

Everyday I’m feeling better about myself. Everyday I’m experiencing new positive feelings in regards to my whole “self”. 

I’ve never in my life, liked my body. I’ve always had issues with how I saw myself. I could never understand what people were seeing when they called me beautiful. I have a father who would repeatedly when I was a teenager tell me about how these woman we see on the street are “beautiful” with their big boobs and long hair. I noticed pretty early on, that these women ( of all ages) were all slim or just overall tiny people. I spent a lot of my teenage years comparing myself to these women, and feeling really crappy about myself.

Never once did he pick out an average or overweight person and fawn over them. I was already having self esteem issues, so hearing that day in and day out was hard. I didn’t know it back then, but I certainly understand it now. 

But for once in my life, I actually smile when I look in the mirror, my negative self talk has turned into empowering positive self talk. I actually enjoy looking at myself in the mirror after many years of shying away from it.

I’m so happy and proud of myself for overcoming these problems, to finally see that beautiful woman that people have told me existed but I couldn’t see her.

Failure.

Sometimes I feel like a failure.

Most times I feel like I’m a failure as a mom, so much so that I wonder sometimes why she even smiles and likes me because I don’t see myself as a good mom.

Sometimes I feel like a failure as a wife. Sometimes there just isn’t any winning. 

I just feel like I fail in every aspect of my life, and sometimes it all is just too much.

My thoughts

For years, I have had people in my life who either made fun of my problems, joked about them, minimized them, showed no effort to lend a helping hand, called them “ridiculous”, or blame them on my pms, or was told I was being brainwashed.

It’s really no wonder why I have issues expressing and even believing my own feelings.

After all of these years, and after all of the people who couldn’t get passed their own feelings to see mine, I’ve been managing on my own.

Sometimes it’s hard. Sometimes, I struggle so bad internally that I’m exhausted at the end of the day. Because sometimes there are issues that you can only share with a select few, but even then. Sometimes I regret saying anything at all. Sometimes it’s easier for me to pretend that I’m fine. 

Whatever you are feeling….

Whatever you are feeling know it’s okay to feel that way.

No matter what people say, your feelings are your own. Nobody can feel them quite like you do.

Sometimes people don’t understand these feelings. But, what matters is that we understand these feelings and learn how to deal with them. 

Holy crap guys! The morning I had…

Literally, I just want to restate the title, holy crap guys, the fricking morning I had…. was full with anxiety, and feelings of scared, worried,irritation the works.

I’m a lot better now, but my anxiety made my morning so much worse than it had to be. My chest hurt, I was nauseous right from 7 this morning to like 1130. I had to attend a legal thing that I had never been part of before. So I was terrified because I had no idea what to do, what to say, where to go. 

Terrified that the other party would tear me to shreads, which thankfully he didn’t. He turned about to be a nice and understanding guy.

It did work out in the end, and I am satisfied with the outcome. I am stronger from that, but this anxiety is really intense.

Anxiety Inducing situations.

I’ve got a big one coming up tomorrow, and am absolutely terrified.

I am constantly put in situations that even though they help me grow, they produce so much anxiety prior to the event. I feel pressure on my chest, and a feeling of dread was over me.

I’m prepared to do the best that I can, and hopefully be prepared enough to get my point across.

I’ve researched, gotten all of my papers together, but I’m still scared because this is a completely new experience for me, and one that has legal ramifications on top of that.

I hope I can do this.

 

Social Anxiety

What is Social Anxiety? “Social anxiety is the fear of social situations that involve interaction with other people. 

I have been experiencing social anxiety all my life, without really knowing it. I always thought I was just socially awkward and shy.

Every single interaction with someone has been a struggle for me. I have always been afraid of being judged negatively. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve got plenty of reasons to worry about that. 

My brother was never the compassionate or empathetic one. He was always the spiteful and hurtful one. If he knew your weakness, he would use it against you when he was mad. In the most vile ways. He has always insulted my appearance, my capabilities to hold down a job, my parenting ability. He’s also called me every name in the book, so my skin is pretty thick. 

My dad, on the other hand was more of a joker. More surface than he was deep. He was certainly deep, I figured out a while ago, but he definitely wouldn’t outwardly express it. Everything was a joke to him. I guess that made it easier for him to deal with. So any reaction I got was either super critical or a joke. 

I’ve also had to deal with a lot of bullying in my school years. So yeah, social interactions have always been a sore spot.

But surprisingly enough, I’m super outgoing and loud. Social anxiety has given me a lot of restrictions for a lot of years and I wasn’t even aware of it.