Little update!

Hi all, sorry I haven’t been posting as much. 

First of all, most of the summer was a drag. Did spend two weeks with my mom and grandma though so that made up for the rest of the summer.

I am on the hunt for a job, so I’m trying to fill my time by looking at job postings online. It’s incredible the amount of people who require a license (which I don’t have). 

I can also say with like 95% certainty that my social anxiety stems from my speech problem as a child. I was born with a partial cleft palate, had surgery to fix it, but needed speech therapy. My mom did the best she could ( which by the way was a lot) for me but as a young kid I knew I was different than everyone else. But by the time I was 6 I was speaking as if there were no past speech problems. But that anxiety has always plagued me.

And that’s why a lot of the interactions I have with other people are so hard. It’s getting better now with age and growth but it’s still hard. It’s still hard communicating to people I’m not already friends with. It’s hard to talk to people I’ve only met a handful of times, hell its still hard to communicate with my moms ex boyfriends. It’s why I’ve got such an issue with eye contact. It seems rude but I sit there quietly, looking away not to be rude or disrespectful but because it’s intimidating to me. That’s the best way I can describe that feeling.

But that’s where I’m going to leave off. Comment or message me if you have experienced social anxiety, or anxiety at all. Let’s start talking 🙂

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Progress

Today marks the 10th day I’ve jogged in a row. 

Everyday I’m feeling better about myself. Everyday I’m experiencing new positive feelings in regards to my whole “self”. 

I’ve never in my life, liked my body. I’ve always had issues with how I saw myself. I could never understand what people were seeing when they called me beautiful. I have a father who would repeatedly when I was a teenager tell me about how these woman we see on the street are “beautiful” with their big boobs and long hair. I noticed pretty early on, that these women ( of all ages) were all slim or just overall tiny people. I spent a lot of my teenage years comparing myself to these women, and feeling really crappy about myself.

Never once did he pick out an average or overweight person and fawn over them. I was already having self esteem issues, so hearing that day in and day out was hard. I didn’t know it back then, but I certainly understand it now. 

But for once in my life, I actually smile when I look in the mirror, my negative self talk has turned into empowering positive self talk. I actually enjoy looking at myself in the mirror after many years of shying away from it.

I’m so happy and proud of myself for overcoming these problems, to finally see that beautiful woman that people have told me existed but I couldn’t see her.

New me

I’ve been up to things. I decided I would completely redo my resume. And I’m learning more about myself and what work ethic I have. This new resume is setting myself up for a new professional stand point after vaca. I’m super excited to get back and start my new job search. I want to start putting these skills to the test.