The end of 2017

We are coming to the end of this hellish year and I can’t wait to see what’s in store for next year.

There is a whole new side of me coming out and I’m looking forward to seeing what life is like now.

I’ve had to learn how to live without blood family. I’ve learned that’s it’s not me, it’s them. You can’t help people if they don’t even acknowledge the problems.

I’ve also learned that even if you are blood family, if you are not “present” in my little family’s life here, you are not welcome. No phone calls, no cards in the mail, nothing.

Why waste everyone’s time? Just to be petty? My family and I are 100% fine without you. And yes those people I’m talking about are my parents.

2018 is a new year and I’m finished with all of the toxicity that is my dysfunctional family.

2017 will be the last year I have ANY contact with my parents and brother. I don’t care for how long, all I know is that I’m going to be the first person in my family to be mentally healthy.

I’m standing up for myself and making standards and boundaries that neither one of my parents helped me make when I was younger.

I’m no longer going to be a doormat for people to walk all over and treat however they want in that moment.

I’m no longer going to allow people to give me shit for no reason. I’m standing up for everything I believe in and feel.

People don’t respect me and that’s mostly because I’ve never been able to stand up to people. And that’s going to change. I will no longer suffer because of other people.

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Progress

Today marks the 10th day I’ve jogged in a row. 

Everyday I’m feeling better about myself. Everyday I’m experiencing new positive feelings in regards to my whole “self”. 

I’ve never in my life, liked my body. I’ve always had issues with how I saw myself. I could never understand what people were seeing when they called me beautiful. I have a father who would repeatedly when I was a teenager tell me about how these woman we see on the street are “beautiful” with their big boobs and long hair. I noticed pretty early on, that these women ( of all ages) were all slim or just overall tiny people. I spent a lot of my teenage years comparing myself to these women, and feeling really crappy about myself.

Never once did he pick out an average or overweight person and fawn over them. I was already having self esteem issues, so hearing that day in and day out was hard. I didn’t know it back then, but I certainly understand it now. 

But for once in my life, I actually smile when I look in the mirror, my negative self talk has turned into empowering positive self talk. I actually enjoy looking at myself in the mirror after many years of shying away from it.

I’m so happy and proud of myself for overcoming these problems, to finally see that beautiful woman that people have told me existed but I couldn’t see her.

Update

I haven’t posted in a while, honestly because there hasn’t been a whole lot going on. 

I’ve reconnected with my best friend, and I feel really good about it.  I was able to be honest and upfront about my feelings. I’m excited to see how that friendship grows from here.

We are seeing my mom and grandma next week and I couldn’t be any more excited for that. Not only do I get to spend some quality time with my mom and grandma, I also get alittle break from this chaos.

Even though we haven’t had much going on, it’s always stressful. But I have figured out ways to deal with everything and to let go of things I can’t control. 

I’ve started jogging. Small jogs but definitely one that will get the pulse going. I’ve done 8 Days so far. I even got the whole family in on today’s jog. 

It’s only up from here. 🙂

Career path?

I’ve always wondered what career path I should take. I’ve never really known the kind of person I am or what I really want.

I’ve thought about counselling for years. But I figured out that I’m too emotional for that. So I’d have to work on separating my own feelings and my work. Which I can do, and it’s still high on the list.

But I’ve been thinking more and more about the way I think and why the world works. I can put myself in others shoes, and feel their emotions. Im can also be opinionated. 

So what about journalism? Reporting news, gathering facts, giving my opinion on world events. Or maybe even having an advice column? I’m so excited to start this new adventure. :)!