Progress

Today marks the 10th day I’ve jogged in a row. 

Everyday I’m feeling better about myself. Everyday I’m experiencing new positive feelings in regards to my whole “self”. 

I’ve never in my life, liked my body. I’ve always had issues with how I saw myself. I could never understand what people were seeing when they called me beautiful. I have a father who would repeatedly when I was a teenager tell me about how these woman we see on the street are “beautiful” with their big boobs and long hair. I noticed pretty early on, that these women ( of all ages) were all slim or just overall tiny people. I spent a lot of my teenage years comparing myself to these women, and feeling really crappy about myself.

Never once did he pick out an average or overweight person and fawn over them. I was already having self esteem issues, so hearing that day in and day out was hard. I didn’t know it back then, but I certainly understand it now. 

But for once in my life, I actually smile when I look in the mirror, my negative self talk has turned into empowering positive self talk. I actually enjoy looking at myself in the mirror after many years of shying away from it.

I’m so happy and proud of myself for overcoming these problems, to finally see that beautiful woman that people have told me existed but I couldn’t see her.

Update

I haven’t posted in a while, honestly because there hasn’t been a whole lot going on. 

I’ve reconnected with my best friend, and I feel really good about it.  I was able to be honest and upfront about my feelings. I’m excited to see how that friendship grows from here.

We are seeing my mom and grandma next week and I couldn’t be any more excited for that. Not only do I get to spend some quality time with my mom and grandma, I also get alittle break from this chaos.

Even though we haven’t had much going on, it’s always stressful. But I have figured out ways to deal with everything and to let go of things I can’t control. 

I’ve started jogging. Small jogs but definitely one that will get the pulse going. I’ve done 8 Days so far. I even got the whole family in on today’s jog. 

It’s only up from here. 🙂

What is wrong with the world?

A story came out of the States recently, and I’d like to take a few moments and talk about it.

First of all, Rest in Peace Jamel Dunn.

Second of all, if you have not heard, there were 5 teenagers who were hanging out by a pond, when they saw 31 year old Jamel Dunn walking up to the fenced off pond. They watched as this 31 year old disabled man, walk right into the pond. And then they decided to start videotaping. They were seen mocking and laughing at Jamel as he was seen drowning. Then, they heard a scream from the background, laugh and say “he just died”

Jamel was pleading for help, all the while these guys were laughing and having a great ole time.

I can’t even begin with this. I read an article today about how the teenagers didn’t have a “legal duty” to help this man. And what is astounding to me is that, that is even a point of contention. If they had no intention on helping the man, they should have just left. How heartless do you have to be to watch someone die and laugh and joke about it at the same time? I hope the Judge presiding over the case makes an example out of these teenagers. They chose to act like adults and should be send to adult jail. Where in my opinion, they should just stay.

http://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/teenagers-who-laughed-while-filming-disabled-man-drown-had-no-legal-duty-to-help-a7854381.html#-/web/categories/1073751853-1500735028252-trackingCode-/BW77aw+Q4R9yDGP5kHARYx4wLXe/vNNZtQ1j+lrmFTtWBv0/h31AkaJtbo3KYVq-articleId-411855710-vv-412764b4-ca0a-45cf-8d7e-7e1b44635026

Achievement Hunter

Anyone into them?

These guys are hilarious. They play video games but their commentary is absolutely golden. I’ve watched them for years off and on.

And they never fail to make me laugh.

Failure.

Sometimes I feel like a failure.

Most times I feel like I’m a failure as a mom, so much so that I wonder sometimes why she even smiles and likes me because I don’t see myself as a good mom.

Sometimes I feel like a failure as a wife. Sometimes there just isn’t any winning. 

I just feel like I fail in every aspect of my life, and sometimes it all is just too much.

PSA!

So we currently have a shared yard. I’m not a huge fan but we got what we got.

So one of my neighbours has decided that our yard is a perfect yard for their dog to be tied up in.

And I’m not ok with that. They don’t even watch the dog, so it goes to the bathroom where ever it wants to. And because they don’t pay attention the dog craps, where my daughter plays.

How are people so inconsiderate. It’s a shared yard!! Where kids play!?!?

I wish people thought about these things.

My thoughts

For years, I have had people in my life who either made fun of my problems, joked about them, minimized them, showed no effort to lend a helping hand, called them “ridiculous”, or blame them on my pms, or was told I was being brainwashed.

It’s really no wonder why I have issues expressing and even believing my own feelings.

After all of these years, and after all of the people who couldn’t get passed their own feelings to see mine, I’ve been managing on my own.

Sometimes it’s hard. Sometimes, I struggle so bad internally that I’m exhausted at the end of the day. Because sometimes there are issues that you can only share with a select few, but even then. Sometimes I regret saying anything at all. Sometimes it’s easier for me to pretend that I’m fine.