I love sleep.
But falling asleep with anxiety is one of the hardest things I’ve done. So much so that I don’t actually look forward to falling asleep, just sleep.
I read a post from The Mighty today, which is what prompted this post. It was from a contributor talking about their bedtime routine with anxiety.
And man, I could have written it, it was that close to my experience. Even down to the jealousy I feel for my husband who can fall asleep in seconds.
At times, it can take me up to 3 hours to fall asleep. Most times, it’s almost an hour before I finally fall asleep.
I used to make up scenarios in my head to fall asleep. Normally it would have been like winning the lottery or something. But when my anxiety got worse, I couldn’t just think about winning the lottery. I’d start worrying about what I would do with it, who I would share it with etc.
Unfortunately, those thoughts lead to more negative thoughts. Such as: that is never going to happen, that’s not right now, I still owe money, I still need help financially, I still need to find a job, but what if I can’t figure out what I want to do, I don’t want to be unhappy in my job, am I asking too much, can’t share any of that lottery with my parents, still hurts to have the non existent relationships with them, but also I don’t need them, they messed things up, they are the reason why I struggle everyday, and so on and so forth.
As all of that is happening internally, externally I’m uncomfortable, hot, cold, itchy, bathroom break, gotta roll over a bunch of times, stop the cats from scratching, and some more of being generally uncomfortable.
And then, I wake up in the morning no matter how long I slept and it feels like I slept nothing. But that also likely has something to do with the eating disorder I have.
Who knows what disorder, but I’ve been dealing with texture issues for years. And it has slowly gotten worse. It’s a pretty complex issue, because a lot of the reasoning for past issues were due to lack of money/food and my need to put everyone else before me. If I thought my daughter or husband liked or would eat a certain food, I wouldn’t eat it because it should be left for them, and I can find something else. And now, I have almost no appetite. And if I do, it’s for a bunch of crap. Fast food, processed stuff, all the stuff I shouldn’t eat on a semi regular basis. And yes before you ask, I will be making a doctors appt soon.
My mind is just a really hard place to be right now, with all of this new knowledge about my mental health, and just life in general. Some days are good. Some days I have a lot of energy and can keep myself distracted throughout the day. But there are some days where just nothing peaks my interests. I bounce between hobbies, and interests but on these days nothing sticks. I lose interest in mere minutes. So, some times I just sit. And unfortunately, that gives my mind the time and energy to think. About all things. Where I’m failing, what’s failing around me, what I personally feel I’m failing, what I perceive people are thinking about when they look or talk to me, all my wants and hopes, all the shitty memories, some good memories, just anything and everything. I mean, that’s basically my mind all the time.
I thought of a great analogy to describe what my mind looks like if I had to take a picture of it.
So think of white noise like a tv makes, or used to make. Now imagine that noise, as someone talking really fast, but slow enough for you to understand each and every word. That’s basically what my mind is like all the time. It’s constantly on the go, even when I want it to stop.
All I can do right at this moment is take all of this one day at a time, and hopefully figure some things out along the way.
I hope you enjoyed this post, share, like or leave a comment with your experience on falling asleep, anxiety or just any struggle.