We are coming to the end of this hellish year and I can’t wait to see what’s in store for next year.
There is a whole new side of me coming out and I’m looking forward to seeing what life is like now.
I’ve had to learn how to live without blood family. I’ve learned that’s it’s not me, it’s them. You can’t help people if they don’t even acknowledge the problems.
I’ve also learned that even if you are blood family, if you are not “present” in my little family’s life here, you are not welcome. No phone calls, no cards in the mail, nothing.
Why waste everyone’s time? Just to be petty? My family and I are 100% fine without you. And yes those people I’m talking about are my parents.
2018 is a new year and I’m finished with all of the toxicity that is my dysfunctional family.
2017 will be the last year I have ANY contact with my parents and brother. I don’t care for how long, all I know is that I’m going to be the first person in my family to be mentally healthy.
I’m standing up for myself and making standards and boundaries that neither one of my parents helped me make when I was younger.
I’m no longer going to be a doormat for people to walk all over and treat however they want in that moment.
I’m no longer going to allow people to give me shit for no reason. I’m standing up for everything I believe in and feel.
People don’t respect me and that’s mostly because I’ve never been able to stand up to people. And that’s going to change. I will no longer suffer because of other people.
This weekend is Thanksgiving, which means family get togethers, food, and conversation.
Now since it’s thanksgiving, I’d like to write a post about the one thing that I am extremely thankful for.
What constitutes as family you might ask? Well I can tell you one thing, blood isn’t the only way one can become family.
Family to me means people who will support you when you need it the most. People who will be that shoulder to lean on when you need one. It’s the people you can call or text when you just don’t know what to do anymore.
I’ve lost both relationships with my parents because as I grow and learn about self acceptance, they won’t. They won’t learn, or grow, hell they’d have to acknowledge the problems first. And they won’t.
The people who are in my life now are the people who accept me for whatever or whoever I choose to be. All they want to see is me happy.
And that I’m super thankful for. For having family that aren’t blood making up for what is lacking in my blood family. Without you guys, I don’t think I could have made it this far. I’ve had some rough times in my life, more recently and more serious than before. And what matters to me are the people who are currently around me and my life because they care and love me.
And that’s what family means to me.
For years, I have had people in my life who either made fun of my problems, joked about them, minimized them, showed no effort to lend a helping hand, called them “ridiculous”, or blame them on my pms, or was told I was being brainwashed.
It’s really no wonder why I have issues expressing and even believing my own feelings.
After all of these years, and after all of the people who couldn’t get passed their own feelings to see mine, I’ve been managing on my own.
Sometimes it’s hard. Sometimes, I struggle so bad internally that I’m exhausted at the end of the day. Because sometimes there are issues that you can only share with a select few, but even then. Sometimes I regret saying anything at all. Sometimes it’s easier for me to pretend that I’m fine.
Whatever you are feeling know it’s okay to feel that way.
No matter what people say, your feelings are your own. Nobody can feel them quite like you do.
Sometimes people don’t understand these feelings. But, what matters is that we understand these feelings and learn how to deal with them.
If you are currently questioning keeping a toxic or unhealthy person in your life or not, I’ve got some tips.
Tip 1: Communication is key! A lot of those conversations have probably already happen ( arguments about ditching of plans constantly one sided, or arguments where you have tried to explain how you feel and it just doesn’t go anywhere).
Being blunt isn’t the worst idea. You can still be blunt and nice at the same time.
If you are dealing with someone who isn’t acknowledging their problem or isn’t willing to do anything to fix their problem, it is quite acceptable to cut ties. Yes even with a family member. You see, you can’t fix people. They need to have the motivation to change. You can’t give them that.
No matter what you do or say or try, if this person doesn’t want to change, THEY WONT! Don’t try to change this person. Don’t think ” If I behave or go the extra mile for this person, that’ll work, they’ll change. But then a few years or however long after it’s back to the same unhealthy, toxic loop.
Tip 2: I’m all for helping other people out, but don’t let this person or this persons life engulf you. You shouldn’t be spending all of your time thinking about this other person (“What will they do if I say/do this?”)
Tip 3: Listen, this isn’t going to be easy. Yes, it’s going to hurt, and totally suck. They may totally hate you and spread hateful shit about you to your friends and family. But you know what? You are the bigger person. You took the high road and made the mature decision to end a relationship that wasn’t ok with you. I also hope on that high road, you stay far away from social media when you are emotional.
Tip 4: Don’t stoop down to their level. Those stupid statuses on Facebook they write, bitching about how horrible you are?….. Just Block. I always found that after I blocked someone on Facebook, I tend to forget about them. I also try to think that blocking them is a permanent option. That way, at first glance, there isn’t any other option than to leave them currently blocked.
Tip 5: If you are going to trash talk, keep it offline and to only a select few. First of all, no one on Facebook needs to know about these dirty details. Second of all, the other person if they are petty will already be spreading their own shit. The people who know you well enough will know the truth. It’s perfectly ok to rant and rave about this person, but don’t let that be the constant reaction.
Tip 6: You may lose other people in the process. Sometimes, people who aren’t involved in the immediate situation will pick sides. Some people will put their “shields” up and deny any mature decision you make, likely because they are afraid of what could happen from you making that decision solo. You will find out who is meant to be in your life and people who you are better off without.
Tip 7: Even though you broke off the relationship, it is still perfectly ok to grieve the loss of it. There was some part of you invest in that relationship, some more than others. That part needs to heal and deal with the loss.
Tip 8:Don’t let anyone tell you how to feel. Don’t let anyone tell you, you should be over it by now, or it shouldn’t have been a big deal. If you feel the only way you can talk to this other person about these feelings is through the internet, you go ahead. Don’t be ashamed to take the faceless route. These things can be hard.
Tip 9: After all of this, what matters is how you deal with it. You can dwell on it, and let it consume your life or you can grieve the loss and move on.
I hope this helps! If you have any questions email me at firstname.lastname@example.org, I’m willing to try to help in any way. 🙂
I am full of knowledge and am completely open minded.
I want all questions, advice, rants or anything you want a second opinion on. I’ve got a perspective that is completely different than anyone else’s. And I’m dying to help people.
So come on, leave a comment..or you can send me an email at email@example.com if you would like privacy. I may even post my general opinions with discretion. I won’t name names, or use any specific details. And I won’t post an opinion at all if you ask me.